Gritty Details

Friday, February 10, 2017

Tonight's Poet Corner: Introspection

Let's shift gears for a bit, shall we? Let's focus on something a little more superficial, a little less significant to the grand scheme of the universe and this little speck of dust that we call an inhabitable planet. Let's not talk about the orange man and his fascist regime and his slippery pussy-grabbing grip on the country I used to love so dearly. I think we'd all benefit from some sort of tangent for the time being.

And while we're at it, let's not talk about my writing, either. I've done a lot of whining about my writing - or lack thereof - in regards to larger projects. The bottom line is: I'm busy as a teacher, I have projects underway either solo or with friends, and I'm still updating my blog. Signed, sealed, delivered. Done.

So instead, let's talk about something totally different. Something more personal and aesthetic to me. Namely: How I view myself as a potentially attractive person.

I have fairly low self-esteem when it comes to my looks. That I cannot deny. I am admittedly a heavier person; BMI designates me as obese, actually, even though I'm more "burly" than "fluffy," the latter being coined by Gabriel Iglesias. I am 5'4" - yet I am a whopping 200 pounds, perhaps more. Some people I know don't believe me when I tell them that. But that's the truth.

Don't get me wrong: I rock a suit or top hat or dapper attire. I sometimes feel very handsome on any given day, based on my outfit or my hair or simply how I flash a smile in the mirror one morning or evening. But there are physical features I have that I cling to, and not in a good way. I obsess over them. Namely: My pot belly and my double chin, which I "lovingly" deem my "double face." These are features I harp on, much to my wife's chagrin, and today, I even broke down about my gained weight over the past couple of years and how I wish I were slim and svelte, even though my bone structure would never allow me to look like a goddamn model.

So with all the political bullshit, and all the personal stuff in my life, and all the work I do, I have to have a low regard for my looks added as the unappealing frosting to my even less appealing cake. Welp - I have a lot to learn, don't I? I'm working on it. I'm trying to stay healthy and exercise (hey, my wife and I want to go backpacking in Yosemite this summer, so that might tone me up a bit!), but I also want to love myself and my looks and focus more on my health than my outward presentation. Does that make sense? Maybe. I know it's so silly to harp on this in this day and age, but hey - I'm human, and sometimes, instead of focusing on my corrupt government, I focus on my extra flab. It happens.

Of course, my wife thinks I'm beautiful. She doesn't mind the features I freak out over so much, and she says it doesn't matter to her how big I am. Of course, I certainly don't want to get any bigger if I can help it - though I do love me some chocolate and cheese - but I appreciate that she loves me despite my looks. In the end, I just have to remember that it's all about self-preservation balanced with love of food and life. Everything in moderation, as they say.

Well, that's my little weight diatribe. Just remember you're beautiful no matter what, even if sometimes I don't believe that about myself.

Have a great night and a great weekend, everyone.

1 comment:

  1. What I've learned in my weight loss adventure is that shedding the 35 pounds was easy compared to the self-doubt. That never goes away, even if I'm struggling to find size 2 slacks (whereas there used to be a 1 in front of that 2), or I can see the curve of my traps under my tank top. I desperately wanted to be thin and delicate and dainty - knowing full well that I would never be - my genes will never allow it. My maternal grandmother had more junk in her trunk than a hoarder's 1978 station wagon and my shoulders give me the girth and width of a linebacker.

    As I have gotten older and yes, slimmer, I have decided that I don't want to be "skinny". I have very large legs that make it difficult to find boots, but I can squat well over 200 pounds. I have a belly pooch that is my constant companion, but my fiance and I LOVE going out for a pizza and pitcher of beer. Baking is my hobby and if I could be a pie maker I would, but I also meal prep as often as I can and drink a shit-ton of water. Focus less on what your limits are and more on what your body CAN do.

    So I agree it's about balance, but it's also about feeling comfortable in your own skin...not necessarily being skinny. I constantly felt I was wearing this large, ugly sweater that I could never take off. Now I have more of a slim-fit hoodie. And I'm ok with that because I freakin' LOVE HOODIES.