If the whorl in your hair goes to the right, you're straight. But if it goes to the left, you're gay.
That's right: Sexuality is determined by the natural circles and spirals of your hairdo. Check out your cowlicks and see for yourself.
Little Betty's whorl goes both ways. She's had girlfriends and boyfriends. She's had a lovely time.
You can also determine your orientation in other ways. Ever tried flipping toast with jam in the air? If it falls jam first, you're definitely gay. And you wasted a perfectly good piece of toast. On second thought, don't throw toast in the air. Just eat it instead. There are children starving in Africa.
Happen to be bald? Not to worry! Alopecia can't stop you from determining who you love. Without messing up perfectly good bread, just drop an egg into a glass of water. If the egg sinks, you're gay. If it floats, you're straight. And you should also throw away that egg.
No need to question me. I'm an expert. Now some might tell you just to be yourself and experiment with people just to see who you like and let yourself fall in love naturally. But that's silly. Home remedies always work!
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to look at the groundhog's shadow to see if my friend Stu is non-binary.
This week's prompt was provided by Arden Roddie.